i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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