first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
