God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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