somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
