theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
