these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
