I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Thank you for not boning my boss.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize