ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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