so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize