Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
