I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
