so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
