My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
