i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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