Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
