Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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