im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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