Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
