My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
