im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just come out here and I will go home with you...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
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I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
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My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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