I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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