It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
