3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
