I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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