my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i need some magic done to my vagina
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
