I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
