I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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