mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
