After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
