I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
