im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
