my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
