I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
