im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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