You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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