i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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