I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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