Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
