im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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