I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
