why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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