One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
