It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
