new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
