Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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