you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
