Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
