i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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