and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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