Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
