Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
