those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
