i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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