i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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