i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
