Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Randomize
